Creating Me

My mom wrote a letter, to my future self, on the last page of my baby book, when I was two years old.

“Honey, be careful – don’t trust everyone you meet the way I did.”  As a parent, I’ve learned that no matter what you say to your kids, they only hear what you do.  So, I trusted everyone I met, just like she told me not to.

I’ve tried not to.  It runs deep, passed on for generations.

My great grandma passed it on to my mom.  She loved everyone in the most compassionate way.  It poured out of her endlessly, overflowing.  She was the kind of person that others longed to be around, just to feel completely loved for a little while.  I believe that she was my first glimpse of who Jesus really is, how much He truly loves me.

My mom also wrote this to me: “Remember that God will always be there for you.  He will smooth out the rough spots.”

I attended a healing seminar recently.  The speaker took us back to the first traumatic memory that came to mind.  She didn’t allow us to stay there long, because the purpose was to bring the memory back again, looking for Jesus there.

My sister and I were fighting one day, ages 6 and 7.  Who knows what the fight was about.  I had a temper, and that day it came on full force, toward my sister’s neck.  My hands wrapped themselves around her neck and squeezed. I know that my intention was not to hurt her.  I just wanted to get my way.  My stepdad saw me with my hands around her neck.  He yanked me away, lifted me up high, and then threw me across the room.  As I flew through the room without wings, I felt shame, unworthy, and unimportant.  I don’t remember hitting the floor.

The speaker stopped me before I could feel the pain again.  She urged me to revisit the memory, but this time, look for Jesus.

He was there.  He sat on the floor, knowing where I’d be landing.  I fell into His lap and He held me.  He looked at me, the way my great grandma used to, and loved me.  He saw the fear, unworthy,  and unimportant feelings that attached themselves to me as I flew through the air.  He gently wiped them off, and replaced them with worthy, important, and adored.